Loving & relating to a spouses alter personalities

Why I Adore My Girlfriend’s Alters (Insiders)

This article was written by Grantley Morris, married to a women with multiple personalities.

© 2008, 2012 Grantley Morris. May be freely copied in whole or in part provided: it is not altered; this entire paragraph is included; readers are not charged and it is not used in a webpage. Many more compassionate, inspiring, sometimes hilarious writings available free online at www.net-burst.net 


Note by the Website Owner: To my astonishment, this webpage has caused someone I don’t even know to mercilessly slander me behind my back. Those who know me find the accusations hilarious, though they are too compassionate to laugh. I understand, however, how easy it is to be triggered and although I’m mystified, I presume this is what happened with the person who made this mistake. I not only hold no ill-feeling towards her and wish her well but I was most impressed by something she has written. It made me feel very warmly towards her as my sister in the Lord. One of the few things I know about her is that she had D.I.D. This world desperately needs Christians who are healing or have healed from D.I.D. I pray our Lord not only blesses her but powerfully uses her for his glory.

For anyone who is interested: I am very happily married and my goal is not to counsel anyone with D.I.D. privately but to integrate them into a group setting as soon as practical. To keep the writing style consistent on my site, I adjust the wording of most of the quotes I publish, while keeping true to the person’s meaning. Even though I protect people’s privacy by keeping each source anonymous, it is my habit to always confirm that they are completely happy with what I do with their words.

Grantley Morris

Why I Adore My Girlfriend’s Alters

The average person knows not just next to nothing about alters but worse than nothing. Because of the weird and insulting misconceptions that some people have, my girlfriend, whom I’ll call Cindy, is shy about people knowing she has Dissociative Identity Disorder. So for her sake I’m obligated not to tell people about her alters. This frustrates me enormously because I long to boast about her wonderful alters to everyone who will listen. Even the mere fact that she has alters proves what an incredible survivor she is. Each alter is like a soldier’s Purple Heart – a badge of honor. So when Grantley offered me the opportunity to write this webpage, I leapt at it. I also thank him for acting as ghostwriter, as he has for others who have shared their stories on this amazing website.

As you read, you will discover that I am deeply committed to God’s morality and “girlfriend” is not euphuism for a de facto or sexual partner.

I was in love with Cindy long before either of us discovered that she has multiple personalities but her alters have added such an amazing richness to our relationship that, in all seriousness, I feel sorry for every man whose wife/girlfriend does not have Dissociative Identity Disorder. Thankfully, most men have no conception of what they are missing or I think they would feel somewhat deprived. Few such men are likely to read this webpage, however, so I feel free to share my heart.

What follows are just a few of the other ways in which Cindy’s alters have caused me to feel more loved than an average woman is ever likely to do for a man.

Cindy has said certain flattering things about me that have floored me. I’ve had women in love with me, but no one has ever given the slightest hint that anyone could see me in certain positive ways that she does. Although I longed to believe that she really meant it, my low self-esteem and life experiences left me with a niggling doubt as to whether she was just trying to boost me, rather than being totally honest. Her alters, however, have convinced me in a way that no other woman could possibly achieve single-handedly. I was a complete stranger to each alter when they first surfaced. Their independent reaction to me proved over and over that Cindy – in fact every part of her – truly saw me in that light. This has been deeply healing to me.

* Cindy’s childhood abuser was into the occult. To silence one particular alter he implanted a demon, and impressed upon the terrified alter that the demon would kill her if she ever spoke to anyone but him. This alter heard me talking with Cindy’s other alters and decided she loved me so much that she would speak to me even though she was sure that she would be killed for doing so. How’s that for love!

* I think we all know how deeply attached little children are to their favorite stuffed toys. Of course, not being married, Cindy and I still do not live together, but when we were first in a serious relationship with each other we lived too far apart for her even to visit me. Nevertheless, one of Cindy’s little alters shocked me by deciding to express her love for me by sending me her favorite stuffed toy for me to keep. I think the adult equivalent would be willingly cutting off one’s arm for a loved one.

* Having been privileged to overhear many of the frequent divine encounters these alters have with the King of kings, I am in awe of the fact that with these dear alters, God has entrusted to me his very own daughters, the apple of his eye. I am acutely aware that to dare exploit their innocent vulnerability would be to expose myself to divine fury. Nevertheless, the way they have trusted me has made me feel loved in ways that few other people could hope to achieve. Like many abused children, Cindy had suffered deep humiliation as a child over potty training. Even as an adult, using the toilet was frequently an excruciatingly painful, terrifying experience. Despite their childhood suffering making them extremely modest, several of her alters have said they would be comforted to have me with them, holding their hands when they use the toilet. Not being married, I would never do such a thing but the staggering degree of trust that represents leaves me speechless.

* Cindy had some alters who have loved men before, but always there were several alters who did not like them. Every one of Cindy’s alters deeply loves me.

You might imagine that I would find it confusing relating to so many alters. Not in the slightest. It is deeply fulfilling and intellectually stimulating and enriching. It is a continual source of delight and surprise. Each alter gives me a deeper insight into the woman I love and allows me to share her past in a way that is denied men whose loved ones do not have alters. My only lament is that having so many alters means there are not enough hours in the day to speak individually to each alter for as long as I would like. While I’m talking with one alter, the others usually overhear but I find myself always longing for so much more one-to-one sharing with each alter. Each is so special and dear to my heart. Cindy is like the most amazing diamond with each alter being a facet revealing a unique color.

Although Cindy has very many alters, each one of them is irreplaceable to me. If just one of them wasn’t in love with me, I’d be heart-broken. Sometimes alters who are just in the early stages of healing want to go back into permanent hiding. I’d be deeply distressed if ever that were to happen. I feel like the shepherd in Jesus’ parable. As wonderful as it is to have ninety-nine, just one being lost would be deeply upsetting.

Often Cindy and I have believed we have at last discovered her every alter, only to find still more. I’m delighted whenever that happens. It is yet another precious one to love and enjoy, and be loved by; yet another one to be so very proud of and yet another discovery to deepen even further my beloved Cindy’s, healing and her sense of wholeness and further expand her significant intellectual skills.

Through these delightful alters, my understanding of God has deepened. They so often tell me about their encounters with God and I’m left in awe; first because God has never interacted with me in such a powerfully real way, and second because these interactions typically highlight God’s patience, tenderness, humility in astounding ways. Even though it is second-hand, I count it such a privilege to be granted such an intimate glimpse of God. And the courageous way some of them – particularly two of the younger ones – engage in spiritual warfare is inspirational.

The alters keep inventing fun, unexpected ways of amusing me. To describe how hilarious their antics are takes more skill than I’ve got. You would need to know them well to fully appreciate the subtleties, so my attempts to let you in on the joke fall a bit flat. Rather than risk boring you, I’ll limit myself to just two examples:

* Cindy has an alter who keeps a necessary tight rein on finances and the others support her in this. (I’m very thankful, because before this alter surfaced, finances were a challenge for Cindy.) Recently, one of the little ones wanted to go to a restaurant for her favorite dish, Mandarin Chicken. She is often allowed to get her way in this, but this time it was better to save the money and eat at home. However, Cindy has another alter who discovered a way of saying in a sing-song, hypnotic way “You’re getting s-l-e-e-e-e-p-y” that would send the other alters to sleep. The alters get on with each other much better now but she used to do that to get her own way, such as having an uninterrupted conversation with me. So the alter who wanted to go to the restaurant told this alter she would do her a favor if she used this technique to lull all the others into thinking they were h-u-u-u-n-g-r-y for Mandarin Chicken! (Cindy’s alters love and support each other in a way that moves me deeply, and there was no maliciousness in her ingenious prank. She openly told me about it as she was hatching her plot.)

* As mentioned, Cindy’s alters often have difficulty using the toilet. Recently a young alter announced she wanted to be become a toilet terrorist and blow up toilets. I thought that funny, but it got worse. “No!” insisted an older alter, “That it is not a career option!”

And worse . . .

The next morning in the store that she manages, Cindy heard what sounded like a loud explosion coming from the direction of the bathroom. As she looked in that direction, the door opened and out walked one of Cindy’s customers, wet and very red faced. She looked at Cindy and sheepishly said, “Er – I seem to have blown up your toilet.”

“Hallelujah!” yelled Cindy, and gave her a hug.

“You aren’t angry?” asked the customer.

“No!” replied Cindy, “I think it is wonderful! I hate toilets.” Cindy then proceeded to give the bemused woman a “toilet terrorist discount” on her purchase.

Cindy has alters that were formed at very many different ages, ranging from very young to adults. The young ones are fun, cute and adorable. The older ones, are equally lovable and satisfy my need for deep, adult companionship and humor. I have always refused to have favorite alters but it’s impossible, anyhow, because they all offer something special.

Cindy lets her alters call her Mommy and this is a great source of comfort to them – even for the older ones – because they had never managed to gain their real mother’s approval. They do not, however, call me Daddy, and I support this. They have bonded with God as Daddy. That’s best for them emotionally and spiritually. He’s the perfect father. He hugs and kisses them and plays with them in a totally safe, nonsexual way. I cannot be with all the time and I can never be with them when they are distressed in the bathroom, but he can. A second reason for not bonding with them as a father is that I think it would be emotionally unhealthy for Cindy, or any part of her, to marry someone she regards as a father figure.

I want to give a totally frank assessment of what it’s like to have a girlfriend who has alters, so I’m trying to think of downsides to share with you. It usually only takes a few days for them to turn sweet, but often upon first surfacing alters are in a foul mood and might even be angry with me. This hurts a bit, but I know that like the pain of childbirth, it will end up being more than worth enduring. Often the other alters are deeply concerned, not wanting me to be subjected to the slightest disrespect by a newly surfaced alter, and so they try to restrain the alter, but I always beg them not to; knowing that every alter needs to express her heart fully in order to find full healing.

Often newly surfaced alters choose to reveal themselves to me before their host or most of Cindy’s other alters know that the alters even exist. I count this such a privilege. I’m thrilled to sometimes and in certain ways be able to know the one I love better than she knows herself, and for part of her to trust me with her secrets even slightly more than she trusts other parts of herself with them.

Speaking of secrets: something that I find a challenge is that alters were formed to keep secrets. Secrecy is at the very heart of their being, whereas for me total transparency is one of the greatest delights in a relationship. I’ve never had a girlfriend with whom achieving total openness is such hard work, but every bit of progress is worth it.

There’s another side to openness, however. Most people have suppressed/unconscious parts of them that they are incapable of revealing because they are not even aware of them. Through her alters, I am able to access these parts of her and so know her on a very deep and intimate level.

When talking to me, Cindy frequently flits from alter to alter. This is fine but I often cannot discern which alter is speaking, since all alters share the same vocal cords. (I can tell who is talking with perhaps 30% accuracy.) Often every few moments I find myself asking who is speaking to check if I am still speaking with the same alter. I find this a bit frustrating. I ask them to get into the habit of telling me each time, but often they forget and sometimes they are shy about revealing their identity. I long to know who is speaking because each is priceless to me.

Cindy’s alters are fascinating, endearing, inspiring. Different alters touch me in different ways. Some are cute, some are passionate, some are funny, some have amazing intellectual ability, some are highly courageous, some are timid, some are deeply spiritual. Together they touch me and fulfill me on every level I can think of. I’ve been spoilt. Women without Dissociative Identity Disorder seem one dimensional compared to the woman I’m privileged to know.

Comment by Grantley

From what I know of the man who wrote the above, I believe God has been preparing him for very many years to minister to Cindy, giving him all the necessary wisdom, skills, integrity, self-control and so on, before they ever met. What they have is more than some human-initiated romance. There are many strong indications that it is God who brought them together.

Like this man, there will be rare exceptions but in general I don’t recommend anyone with Dissociative Identity Disorder getting even close to romantic involvement with anyone until he/she has traveled a long stretch of the road to recovery. I particularly do not recommend someone with Dissociative Identity Disorder becoming deeply involved with an abuse survivor (and this man isn’t one). Obviously, it is easy for abuse survivors to be attracted to each other because they see similarities in their past suffering, but it usually doubles their problems and hinders their healing, because their sensitivities and problems trigger each other.

There is another very serious issue: most people with Dissociative Identity Disorder bond exceptionally strongly with anyone who is the first person to give them and their alters unconditional love and lets them share their secrets. It is frighteningly easy to mistake this powerful bonding and dependence for romantic love or for God indicating that they should marry.

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